She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
