Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Randomize
