it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize