I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
