you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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