dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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