I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
