Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
