I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize