What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Randomize
