when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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