i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
