Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
