You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
My underwear smells like fireworks.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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