broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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