theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
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