i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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