My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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