And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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