Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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