Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
