after a month anything with tits is on the radar
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
