Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
