If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
