So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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