I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Randomize
