So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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