well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
