areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
