Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
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