I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
