maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
