R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
