So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
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