The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
