Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
