I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
