I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
