I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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