made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
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