You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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