sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
