she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
be right there i have to get my cape
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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