So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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