ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
