Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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