Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
