i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I queefed so loud it echoed.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
