if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Who died my cat blue again?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
