Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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