Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
