bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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