oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
