I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
