just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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