I heard we made out
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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